Venturing out

After a few days recovering I ventured out of the house with all three kids here and there- to the store, to the park, on walks, to friends' houses, to music class, etc. I still wasn't really making dinner or doing much of anything else besides taking care of Jack and trying to keep Josh and Emma entertained and fed :-). I felt a lot of anxiety I think from still expecting too much from myself and feeling like I just couldn't do what I used to do and couldn't imagine ever feeling like I ever would. I felt like every day would end and I'd let someone down. If I focused on spending more time with Josh and Emma I felt like I wasn't holding Jack enough. If I focused on Jack, I felt like I was neglecting everyone/everything else. If I spent more time than usual talking to Brandon when he got home from work I felt like I was neglecting the kids. If I spent time cleaning or cooking I felt like I was neglecting everyone. If I stayed up having "me" time after the kids were asleep I'd be tired the next day. I felt like I was neglecting my friends and family relationships. I was behind on laundry, the bathrooms weren't getting cleaned as often as I'd like, etc. etc. I just kept dwelling on what I was NOT doing and what I felt like I was failing at. AND I was still feeling post traumatic stress from that week that the kids got sick right before we went to Utah so every night any noise I heard would wake me up and get my heart racing and stomach turning. I was totally obsessed with making everyone use hand sanitizer all the time and not sharing cups or anything. I sanitized surfaces all the time. I washed my hands obsessively. If anyone said their stomach hurt or I heard a cough= stomach turning/heart racing. It was really stressing me out and keeping me at a slight physical/emotional distance from everyone... :-/

Jack 5 weeks old

Until our neighborhood pool opens, our kiddie pool and water table will have to do!

I was on the computer and looked over at the kids and it kind of hit me, "Oh... I have 3 kids. Those 3 kids over there are all mine. I'm a mom of 3. Whoa this is real. This is my new life. 3 kids."

Josh looooooves Jack.

Jack 6 weeks

At my 6 week follow-up doctor's appointment. The last time I was in this elevator I wondered if I might have a baby in it!

It's fun to go on dates with the kids, they appreciate that one-on-one attention so much more now. It's so nice to have the chance to give it to them, they are so happy.