First couple weeks of Emma home

Being home with Emma felt so surreal. It was like we had to figure life out all over again. And all I wanted to do was sleep. I was still sore that first week so I took it easy. Brandon was home that first week. When both kids were awake we'd take turns spending time with each child. I noticed how much I missed Josh so I looked forward to spending time with him. Emma was doing pretty good but she wasn't super sleepy and wasn't the happiest when she was awake so we just did our best to get her to sleep and keep her asleep which mostly meant holding her 24/7. It only took a few days for her to mostly sleep at night. We only had to walk around with her crying a few times in the middle of the night. So after a few days she slept through the night eating every 3ish hours which was really great. That first week was really special since we were all home together as a family enjoying Emma and enjoying spending time together. I remember feeling really happy despite the sleep deprivation :). I do also remember the sleep deprivation and also the feeling of anxiety of figuring out the whole "having 2 kids" thing and what to do when they both needed you at the same time. I just tried to take it one day at a time and things seemed to get a little better.

At Emma's 1 week appointment she was in the 90th %ile for height and weight. The doctor noticed she was very alert and of course perfect and adorable in every way :). After her appointment we went to lunch at Chili's to celebrate Brandon's 29th birthday. I was a little worried at how Emma would do but she slept the whole time. Josh on the other hand was throwing tantrums left and right and toward the end had a meltdown so we had to rush through dessert and leave. It was very atypical behavior of Josh but given the situation of his life being very different now having a new little sister in his life, I wasn't totally surprised.

The next week Brandon had to go back to work and my mom wasn't coming into town until the following week. I was nervous to be home by myself but with the help of PBS Kids and the ipad and a lot of tender mercies I survived. There were a lot of tears, mostly from me. It just broke my heart when I couldn't give Josh the attention he was used to and when I felt like I wasn't giving Emma the attention I feel like I gave Josh when he was a newborn. So I just felt guilty and stressed and tired. I felt like I was holding Emma all the time so I just couldn't do much else. She did like the swing which was helpful so I could at least feed Josh and myself here and there. Some days they did both sleep at the same time so I could sleep. That second week in the evenings around 7:30ish or so Emma was really fussy and cried really hard for anywhere from 1/2 hour to 2 hours or so. It was really hard because there was nothing we could do. So I'd start crying too because there's nothing worse than your child crying and feeling so helpless. I remember feeling like such a failure that even her own mother couldn't comfort her. Josh was a champ and continued sleeping great through the night and taking a long afternoon nap. He started understanding that I couldn't give him as much attention and he got really good at playing on his own and I'm so grateful for the angel he is and always has been.

Josh was also really great with Emma. He didn't notice her too much. He wasn't bothered by her crying (which was such a blessing). He gave her gentle nuzzles every once in awhile and asked to hold her sometimes. So he never got jealous of her but he also wasn't smothering. It was perfect. I mainly struggled with expecting a lot of myself, worrying about getting back to "normal" soon, and feeling like I was slacking as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. Some days were great, some not so much. The good days were usually when I didn't have high expectations :).